


And I am driftwood, found.

by SovereignChicken



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:59:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7488930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SovereignChicken/pseuds/SovereignChicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite her best efforts, her eyes trail along Lexa’s face, mapping out the course she feels the desire to memorize and coming to a stop at her lips. She watches in awe as they part slightly and a pink tongue darts up to wet them. She looks up to green eyes that are trained on her own lips and she knows.</p><p>Knows right then that this moment and the ones that follow will change everything.</p><p>So she kisses her.</p><p> </p><p>Clarke and Lexa meet on their graduation day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's almost 7000 words of something. Based on my fears of the present and a first date I recently had.
> 
> For those of you waiting on me to update my other fic, good luck tbh. I will get there at some point. I'm travelling way more than I expected to for my fancy adult job. For now, inspiration struck and I hope you all like it. Thanks for reading.

Clarke sits in a half daze watching the excitement that surrounds her. She feels detached from it and fidgets uncomfortably when the realization strikes that lately that detachment extends to everything else.

She doesn’t know why she expects this day to be different.

She knows exactly why she expects this day to be different.

It’s her graduation day.

The day that signifies her education is over. Her degree is attained. The world is awaiting her greatness.

But the diploma in her hand feels heavy and the honour cords around her neck even heavier and she finds herself questioning what it’s all for.

She eyes the exuberant graduates as they embrace their family and friends and finds herself wondering if they all feel the same doubt.

The same emptiness.

She wonders if after all the laughing and drinking is over, they’ll stare at the ceilings above their bed and feel terrified.

Clarke is terrified.

She has a great job waiting for her in another state yet she finds herself envying the students who are still in the job hunt.

She is aware of the irony.

But she figures that her grave is already dug and waiting. At least some of her fellow graduates have a chance to find the perfect plot and carve it out just right.

Clarke is also aware of the fact that she is being dramatic.

She’d read a statistic that 1.8 million people in the country are expected to graduate with a bachelor’s degree this year. She imagines the millions who have graduated before. Why have none of them bothered to tell her how scary it all is? Is it scary just to her? Or is everybody just incredibly good at hiding their fear?

She suspects the latter.

It has to be the latter. She has no desire to stay here. Is even delighted to be leaving and yet the prospect of the future is terrifying. But she figures it’s temporary. Her fear will only probably last a few months. She’ll settle into the great job and forget she ever was afraid.

Right?

“No.” a soft voice speaks up startling Clarke.

She turns to catch the profile of what has to be the most beautiful goddess in existence frowning at the multitude of excited people.

Clarke has never been one much for religion, especially mythology, but in this moment she finds herself sure that Aphrodite herself is sitting next to her on this old decrepit bench.

“What?” She hears herself speak, as much an expression of incredulity about her own thoughts as it is a confused question for the brunette girl.

The girl looks up mirroring Clarke’s confusion and turns slowly to meet her eyes and Clarke is devastated.

She is intimately aware of the pounding in her heart and the swoop of her stomach and is unable to confront it choosing to turn back to the slowly thinning throng of people in front of her.

“You said no. Out loud.” She speaks nonchalantly after a moment.

She can still see the girl in her periphery. Her hair is a wild tumbling mess of curls and Clarke wonders how she got it to fit inside the cap that she is currently holding in her hands. Clarke watches as those hands smooth and gently place the cap on top of the diploma holder that lies beside her before the girl turns back and mirrors Clarke.s pose. She sighs and Clarke’s heart skips at the sound.

“I didn’t realize I spoke out loud.” She says as she looks down sheepishly.

Clarke looks down at her own diploma in her hand before setting it to the side and pulling her own cap off her head. She sets the cap on top of her diploma as she uses her other hand to muss up her hair. She feels lighter but is unable to revel in the feeling because she can feel the girl’s eyes on her.

“Sorry.” The girl speaks again. 

It takes Clarke a long moment to realize she’s apologizing for thinking out loud and she lets out a chuckle in response.

“What?” the girl asks.

“Just, I was thinking and asking myself some questions..and you.. you just answered no.”

The girl smiles and Clarke is glad to only see it in her peripheral vision. She is sure facing it head on would end her. She lets out a breath when the girl turns back away.

“Was that the answer you were looking for?” she asks so softly that Clarke almost misses it.

“No.” Clarke sighs. “No it wasn’t”

“Well, I hear there’s a magic 8 ball app you can use if you have a smart phone.” The girl teases pulling a smile from Clarke before her fears inundate her once again.

“What if it tells me no?” She finds herself asking.

“Well then, you’ll know it’s true.”

And Clarke laughs because in the face of monumental things like jokes about magic 8 balls and the wide smile on this girl’s face, her fears seem so miniscule.

“Family?” She asks after a beat.

“No.” the girl responds simply. “You?”

Clarke thinks of her mom and the apologetic congratulation text she’d gotten this morning. She thinks of how she’d been looking forward to seeing her for the first time in months. She thinks about how despite her disappointment she’d known that this is exactly how things were going to go. At least her dad had tried.

“No.”

She watches the girl’s brow furrow in a frown and if she disbelieves Clarke. “Friends?” she asks incredulously.

Clarke chuckles,  “Acquaintances.” She responds. “We’ll congratulate each other on Facebook later.”

She watches as the girl nods sharply. “You?” Clarke ventures.

“I don’t have a Facebook.” The girl responds simply.

And Clarke aches for her because she is so so beautiful and Clarke can’t understand how she is so so alone. And the enormity of the feeling makes her next question easy. “Busy?”

“Not particularly.”

Clarke stands up and turns to face her. “Come on.”

“Where?” The girl asks turning to her confusedly.

And Clarke is startled by the realization that she has no tangible answer. She shrugs as casually as she can, “Somewhere other than..” she trails off as she hears the excited shriek of a girl who has launched herself into the arms of her beaming family.

“Here.” The girl finishes quickly as she stands up, grabbing her cap and diploma with a wary glance at the people milling about.  

Clarke begins to walk in an arbitrary direction, hyper conscious of the fact that the girl has fallen into step with her. She is struggling with the desire to speak to the girl and her inability to find a subject of conversation when she’s suddenly struck by inspiration and quickens her step, knowing exactly where she’s going.

“This is my favourite place on campus.” She speaks when they arrive.

“Fitness buff?” The girl questions as she comes to a stop, shoulder to shoulder with Clarke.

Clarke snorts in amusement and shakes her head in denial, “No, not quite my thing.”

“And yet we’re here.” The girl teases as she opens the door to the campus recreation center for Clarke with an exaggerated bow.

“We are here.” Clarke agrees before she enters the door and turns to walk backwards feeling an odd confidence surge through her body. She watches as the girl enters and lets the door shut gently behind her. She makes eye contact with her as she pushes aside her gown, reaches into her bra under her dress, and retrieves her student id, swiping it to allow entry into the gym area with a flourish. The girl raises her brow as she quickly walks up to the barrier and with a cheeky smile, reaches into her pocket and swipes in with her own student id.

“Your dress has pockets?” Clarke asks, feeling very much like she’s been beaten at her own game.

“I’m a practical gal.” The brunette responds walking up to Clarke.

Clarke takes a deep breath and feigns looking around the gym, unable once again to meet the girl’s unreadable green eyes. “Been here before?” she asks.

“Here and there.” The girl responds.

“Come on.” Clarke speaks determination back in full force. She leads the way again as they walk past the basketball courts, hearing nothing but the echo of their own shoes against the floor.

“Daytime, but it seems so empty.” Clarke murmurs.

“I heard there was some sort of big event going on campus.”

Clarke laughs mirthlessly, “You didn’t mention you were a comedian.”

“No? Well, now you know.” The girl answers easily as they come to a set of double doors, “What now?” she asks.

Clarke responds by using her card to once again swipe them in and leads the way through the doors and into the natatorium.

“Are you staff here?” The girl asks, voice echoing softly in the large room as she follows Clarke to the edge of the swimming pool.

“No. Just have an acquaintance who works in the admin building that gave me access to all buildings I wanted to in return for tutoring.”

“Did it work out for your acquaintance?”

“He graduated with honours today and has a full time job lined up with the University starting in the fall.”

“I feel like a job with the University would require ethics.” Clarke smiles at her words and silently leads her to the bleachers where she sits and looks down at the pool. She discreetly watches as the girl hesitates for a moment before sitting beside her.

“It feels like church.” Clarke remarks.

“Does it?”

“To me.” Clarke confirms as she watches the rays of light from the skylight hit the still water.

“There is something about it.” The girl says wistfully before she turns to Clarke. “Do you swim?” she asks looking up and down Clarke’s frame.

Clarke shivers at her gaze, “I dabble.” She responds.

The girl laughs, loud and unrestrained and Clarke’s heart is filled to the brim with the desire to make her do it over and over. “You dabble? What does that even mean?”

“If there’s a pool party and a promise of margaritas then, yeah, I swim.”

“So why come here?” she asks as she gestures carelessly at the pool.

“I don’t know. When I got access to all the buildings, I just kept coming back here. Just..something about it.”

“Why did you want access to the university buildings?” Clarke shrugs, “I don’t know, I was eighteen. I wanted the power or something like that.”

“Ever do anything illicit in any of them?”

“If being alone is illicit..”

The girl nods and is quiet for a moment before speaking up, “Sometimes it feels like it is.”

Inexplicably afraid at her quiet words and convinced the girl will read her if she sits there too long, Clarke abruptly stands up. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the girl stiffen in surprise and ignores her guilt as she hops down the bleachers and calls back for the girl to follow. She jogs lightly to the far door and swipes herself out walking into the sunlight that waits outside, nearly jumping as she realizes that the girl is right beside her. Their shoulders brush and Clarke can feel the girl’s warmth through her gown.

“Come on.” She distracts herself, bounding forward until the outdoor pool comes into view.

As many times as she sneaks off to this pool, its beauty always surprises her. The far side of the pool is surrounded by a large rock structure that houses a waterfall which releases its contents into the shallow end, and the closer, deeper side of the pool is circled by a rock path that’s lined with grass and colourful flowers.

“What do you think?” Clarke asks, turning to the girl.

“It’s nice.” She responds quietly. And while Clarke would choose a stronger word to describe the pool, the girl’s tone informs Clarke that her meaning runs far deeper than nice.

“It is.” She agrees before she heads towards the rock structure, sets her diploma and cap on the ground and starts climbing.

“What are you doing?” she hears the girl call out.

“Come on.” She calls back, climbing expertly until she reaches the top where she settles with a cocky grin.

Despite her hesitation, the girl follows quickly and sits next to Clarke as they look down on the pool. “Oh wow.”

“Nice right?” Clarke asks as she follows the girl’s gaze.

“Nice.” The girl agrees.

“Look behind you.” She orders watching as the girl swivels around curiously at her words.

Clarke means to say something. Point out her campus apartment, make a comment about the view of the whole campus, anything. But her words fail her as she takes in the girl’s excited gleam.

The raise of her brow.

The stutter of her breath.

And Clarke finally understands the cliché moment in movies, where the girl says the view is beautiful and the guy agrees but he’s looking at her.

It’s several minutes before the girl turns back to her with a small smile. “I think I understand your propensity to break the rules.”

“There are moments hidden behind all those rules.”

And before Clarke can chastise herself for her cheesy words, the girl agrees with a nod. “There are.”

“I’m Clarke.” She blurts out, “My name is..that’s my name. Clarke.” She hurriedly tries to explain before the calm voice of her companion breaks through.

“Clarke.” She speaks enunciating the name crisply. “Thank you, Clarke. For this.” She gestures shaking her head as she once again turns to look out over the campus.

Clarke sits stock still and runs through her vitals.

Her heart is beating too fast, her face is too flushed, her skin is too hot. And she is afraid.

Because she’s never cared much for her name but now she’s in love with it.

She’s in love with the way the girl gently pronounces it, as if it is sacred.

In love with the light rise of her brow at the beginning of the name and the softening of her face as she finishes the name.

In love with the pink tongue and pearly white teeth that make themselves visible when she speaks it.

“Clarke?” It is nearly impossible to shake out of the reverie Clarke is in considering the soft voice that incited the reverie is the very one trying to break it but Clarke somehow manages to respond.

“Mmmm.”

Eloquent it isn’t, but it’s better than silence she supposes.

“Where did you go?”

And for some reason Clarke thinks of her car, waiting in the residence garage, full of belongings moved from her apartment.

She thinks of the day and a half drive to her new apartment that she should have already started to make.

Thinks of remainder of the weekend that she’ll spend filling it with cheap furniture and food to sustain her.

And the Monday that will mark the beginning of her job and subsequent life.

“Come on.” Clarke mutters out, shaking her head of its daze. 

She scrambles to her feet and inches closer to the nearest roof, hoisting herself up and walking along it before making the small jump to the next roof and turning to watch the girl’s progress.

The girl is rooted to the spot and Clarke simply watches her until she begins following, slowly and unsurely until she stands in front of her.

Clarke steps aside and tilts her head to the skylight behind her and watches as the girl makes her way gingerly to it. She listens, not turning to face her, as the girl gasps upon reaching the glass.

“It’s so small.” Comes the light murmur. “It’s usually so big.”

“Distance.” Clarke finally speaks as she walks up on the other side of the glass and looks down at the indoor pool.

“I know, but..it’s just so…” The girl trails off and looks up at Clarke. “Just so small, you know?”

“I know.”

They regard each other for a moment before the girl shakes her head once again and glances down at the pool before straightening up with a grin.

“Come on.” The girl speaks in a low imitation of Clarke’s voice.

Clarke follows with a laugh as the girl leads the way back across the rooves and down the rocks before dashing into the building and down the hallway, coming to a stop at the trophy cabinets. She points wordlessly and Clarke follows her finger to a large trophy that is housed behind the glass.

 **NCAA National Champions: Swimming and Diving,** it proudly declares. The girl lowers her finger to the plaque placed in front of it and points to the last of the names on it, **Lexa Woods.**

“Who’s she?” Clarke asks. 

The girl chuckles lightly and walks further down the hallway before pointing to another display. Clarke joins and follows her finger once again but this time to a picture. The girl in the picture is tall and proud with large bushy brunette hair and green eyes shining with joy at the camera and a small trophy gripped in her hands and the mere sight of her sends Clarke’s heart pounding away.

She looks down at the plaque and reads, **Lexa Woods: National Champion 400 yard Individual Medley.**

“Oh.” Clarke breathes meeting the green eyes that are infinitely more breathtaking in person. “Lexa.” She sounds out, still confounded by the new information.

“That’s my name.” Clarke shakes her head with a frown and speaks again, “You swim?”

“I dabble.” She answers softly eyes tracing Clarke’s face.

But in spite of the joke and Lexa’s softness, Clarke finds her cheeks burning with embarrassment and all she can manage is, “Oh.”

“Since I was a kid. Came here on a scholarship.”

“I feel so..stupid.”

“What? Why?” Lexa asks concern lacing her voice as she moves closer to Clarke.

“I showed you around a place you’ve seen a million times. I mean, you train here, you’re here…”

“I’ve never seen it the way you do, Clarke.” She interrupts.

“I just..” Clarke argues.

Lexa shakes her head moving closer to Clarke who backs up instinctually until her back hits the glass of the trophy case. “Clarke.” She speaks, raising an eyebrow and inching closer and closer. “Thank you.”

Clarke nods mutely, throat dry and body warm from the feelings that flood her and the girl that is almost pressed up against her body.

Despite her best efforts, her eyes trail along Lexa’s face, mapping out the course she feels the desire to memorize, and coming to a stop at her lips. She watches in awe as they part slightly and a pink tongue darts up to wet them. She looks up to green eyes that are trained on her own lips and she knows.

Knows right then that this moment and the ones that follow will change everything.

So she kisses her.

It is soft and consuming and all Clarke can breathe is Lexa. She feels Lexa press closer to her and finds her own hands gripping the sides of her gown to pull her even closer. Their lips break apart slowly and Lexa’s warm breath puffs against Clarke’s mouth.

Eyes closed, Clarke feels her nerve endings alight as Lexa softly traces her nose with her own before once again pressing their lips together.

Clarke doesn’t know who pulls back when they finally separate but when she opens her eyes Lexa’s lips are swollen and her green eyes are heavy and unfocused. She watches as Lexa’s eyes slowly inch up, meeting her own and rendering her a prisoner to a captor who makes her more than willing to be diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome.

Clarke feels like she’ll never leave her gaze.

And it’s a wonder the rest of her body can function at all but when she feels Lexa’s hand lightly touch her own, she meets it and intertwines their fingers.

Without a word Lexa pulls on their conjoined hands and an awed Clarke follows her through the gym and to another set of doors down the opposite hallway. As if asked to silently, Clarke swipes her card at the door and Lexa pulls her into the room.

Clarke’s been in this room before.

Once.

She’d come in, taken one look at the mats and the bars and decided that her quota for gymnastics had been more than met by the time she was in fourth grade so she’d left.

But Clarke is aware that the room is enclosed and the mats are comfortable and the girl whose hand she is holding has intentions in her eyes and Clarke has no desire to stop her.

So she doesn’t.

And this time it’s Lexa that kisses her.

It’s urgent this time as if there’s no time and Clarke’s hands come up to grip her neck.

There’s no space between them and Clarke feels herself backed up into a stack of mats where she’s pushed into a sitting position. Lexa pulls back with an uncertain look asking silently for consent and Clarke simply pulls her in for another kiss.

Unable to resist her lips, she pecks at her playfully over and over until Lexa is smiling widely and Clarke’s answering smile is too wide to continue to kiss her properly. So she settles her gaze and hands on Lexa’s neck and slowly starts to pull Lexa’s gown down her shoulders. Lexa slots herself between Clarke’s legs as close as she can and watches as Clarke disrobes her.

“Congratulations.” Clarke whispers as she gently sets the gown on the far side of the mat.

“Thank you.” Lexa whispers back.

Clarke kisses her again and again feeling an odd pride at Lexa’s accomplishments despite knowing her for a couple of hours at most.

She thumbs lightly at the cords around Lexa’s neck, “Honours?”

“Mmmhmm.” Lexa answers against her mouth.

“Good job.” Clarke chuckles as she pulls Lexa closer by the cords and licks her way into her mouth.

Lexa shudders and both hands land on the mat on either side of Clarke to hold herself up. Clarke chuckles again and pulls the cords over her head and drops them on top of the mat.

“What’s this?” She asks running her hands up and down the blue stole around Lexa’s neck.

“Athletics.”

“Oh?” Clarke asks innocently as she slides her hands down Lexa’s arms and hooks her legs behind hers before pulling her closer and dancing her hands along her stomach.

“Mmmhmm.” Lexa manages and it pulls yet another laugh out of Clarke.

Clarke is giddy.

Giddy with the realization that this beautiful angel of a girl is here. 

And her eyes can’t stop looking at Clarke’s lips and her hands are now gently moving along Clarke’s thighs and her legs keep pushing her into Clarke in an effort to bridge a gap that does not exist.

And Clarke is unable to comprehend how she came to be so lucky.

But she knows better than to look a gift horse in the mouth, so she kisses Lexa’s mouth instead.

It’s rough and it’s needy and it’s quick and she pulls the stole off her neck after they separate and follows it with her eyes to where she sets it down, entirely aware of the green eyes that study her.

She feels Lexa move away and she’s cold with loss before hands meet hers and pull her to her feet.

Lexa is much quicker and to the point than Clarke is. Every word is measured and every touch is purposeful.

“Congratulations.” She says as she slides the gown off Clarke’s shoulders and tosses it to their rapidly growing pile of regalia.

She pecks at her mouth before Clarke can respond. “Atta girl.” She says pulling the honour cords around Clarke’s neck and discarding them.

It’s almost clinical, the way she takes each step and Clarke is completely endeared.

Because she can feel Lexa’s body thrumming with unused energy and the calm way in which she controls herself has Clarke eager to see her break.

“What’s this?” She asks, playing with the medal around Clarke’s neck before impatient fingers dance down her collarbone and into the swell of her chest.

“Research medal.” Clarke answers.

Lexa’s eyes dart up and her fingers pause in their ministrations, “In what?”

“Molecular Diagnostics.”

Without breaking her gaze. Lexa lifts the medal off Clarke’s neck and once put down, she lightly places her fingers on Clarke’s neck and pulls their foreheads together. “You’re so smart.”  She says shaking her head.

And Clarke can see the awe in her eyes.

And she wonders.

It feels familiar and like they know each other and Clarke knows this proud smile and she knows the warm feeling in her chest that it induces.

Clarke doesn’t know what it all means, so she looks away and she busies herself with Lexa’s dress. A more than adequate distraction that can stop the feeling that’s bubbling in her chest.

Anticipating her intentions, Lexa empties her pockets with a devlish smirk and faces Clarke expectantly.

Clarke trails her hands along the material and pulls the dress up slowly, watching as her body is revealed.

She's not wearing a bra and Clarke is sufficiently distracted from any worries.

Her fingers itch to remove the final piece of clothing but Lexa beats her to it sliding the lace material down her thighs and legs and stepping out of it and her shoes gracefully.

She’s bare before her and Clarke physically gulps at the sight of it. She moves her hands to the hem of her own dress, as she kicks off her shoes, and they’re instantly covered by Lexa’s warm ones. Lexa’s eyes bore into hers as they both lift her dress slowly up her body.

When the dress gets high enough, Lexa darts down and presses her mouth against her stomach.

They continue to move the dress up together and when it’s off, Lexa trails wet kisses up Clarke’s stomach until she comes to Clarke’s chest where she drops two kisses to each breast before she gently unclasps the bra and comes away with her phone and the tiny billfold of essentials she had stowed away there.

Gently laying the bra and phone down, Lexa thumbs through the billfold with a lazy grin. “You thought you needed your library card to graduate.”

“Shut up.” Clarke answers executing her order with the capture of Lexa’s lips.

She grabs the billfold out of the startled hands that have begun to encircle her and tosses it away without breaking the kiss. She feels Lexa’s hands dip low behind her back and dip slightly under the band.

When they break the kiss, Lexa is breathing heavily but she wastes no time getting to her knees and pulling at the fabric while pressing her nose to Clarke’s centre. Clarke squirms in pleasure and pulls her up by the chin meeting her confused look with a peck before stepping out of her the last barrier between them and looking at Lexa. 

Clarke has never done this before.

The encounters she’s had have been in the dark, or hurried, or fueled by alcohol and mostly all three.

She’s never been bare, with a girl that was examining her every pore.

Never been slow and tender.

Never made love.

And somehow she trusts this girl.

And she feels safe.

So she turns her around and she lowers her to the mat.

And she watches her wide eyes look up at her.

And she kisses her.

She kisses her mouth and her nose and her cheek and then kisses her way lower. She makes her way slowly down Lexa’s body and delights in the rocking her body as she meets her core.

She’s acutely aware of the way strong thighs encircle her head in the gentlest of ways.

Acutely aware of the grip of the hand she holds as she presses wet kisses to the wet heat that invites her in.

Acutely aware of the low hums that rumble out of the chest heaving above her.

But she’s entirely aware of the ripple of her stomach beneath her free hand much like an unsteady sea that threatens the shore.

And she kisses her way through wave after wave until Lexa finally comes to an exhausted stop.

And she kisses her way back up.

She languidly kisses her mouth for long seconds but is upended by the tidal wave that is Lexa and she finds herself in awe of the stamina of the girl who is now marking her way through the terrain of Clarke’s body.

She feels fingers draw shapes into her ribs and their cheekier counterparts draw shapes into her core and she pulses and oscillates to their movements.

A warm mouth joins her fingers and Lexa’s tongue is as quick with words as it is with movement and Clarke struggles to breathe against the onslaught.

Her fingers sink in the scarred grooves on Lexa’s shoulder and it buckles and Clarke worries she’s hurt her but Lexa renews her movements with vigour.

It’s enough of a reprieve though from the mindless pleasure though, and Clarke is suddenly tense and overcome with nerves and she shuts her eyes tightly to will them away.

But Lexa’s fingers are relentless and it surprises Clarke when the warm mouth is suddenly on her own before pulling away just as quickly.

“Clarke, look at me.”

Clarke opens her eyes.

She sees the blown pupils of the beautiful girl above her and sees the tousled brunette hair enveloping her and feels the fingers at her core twitch and she comes.

And all she can feel, see, breathe, taste, and hear is Lexa.

And when she finally comes back down to earth, Lexa collapses next to her and rubs her hand soothingly along her side before grabbing the graduation gowns and laying them across their bodies.

Clarke leans into Lexa and Lexa clings to her tightly and Clarke wonders if she’ll ever let go.

She wonders if she’ll ever want her to.

They kiss lazily and run hands all over each other’s tired bodies and they breathe each other in.

It could be seconds or years, Clarke doesn’t know and she finds herself not caring.

“Where to now that you have the piece of paper?” Lexa breaks the silence after a long while.

Clarke presses a light kiss to her forehead and answers quietly, “Colorado. To be a Biomedical Engineer with Ark Systems International. I start Monday.”

Lexa nods and puffs a breath into Clarke’s neck. “Congatulations.” She pulls back and kisses Clarke’s nose. “You’re gonna do great.”

“You can’t know that.”

“True.” Lexa answers with a smirk, “But the magic 8 ball might.”

Clarke hides her smile with a shake of her head and throws her left arm and leg over Lexa’s body. “You?”

“Hmm? Me? Boston. Going for my MS in Agricultural Economics. Classes start week after next but I have orientation next week.”

“Of all the things I expected you to say...”

“I get that a lot.” Lexa laughs.

“No Olympics?” Clarke asks as her fingers make paths along Lexa’s neck and shoulders.

“I got hurt.” Clarke’s fingers immediately find the groove she felt earlier and she softly runs her fingers over it. “Sorry.”

Lexa shrugs, “Don’t know that I actually wanted to pursue it anyway. I was just always expected to.”

“By who?”

“My coach, my parents, my teammates, random people who follow college swimming too closely.”

“Why did you walk? If your family wasn’t coming?” Clarke watches as Lexa’s eyes harden, her face smooths out, and her body tenses. “We don’t have to talk about this.” She rushes out.

Lexa sighs and brings her hand over to cover Clarke’s restless one. “My parents are..cold. Detached. I don’t blame them for it. It’s how their parents were and probably how both lines of my family have always been. They’re proud of me. They’ll have my graduation picture in the display cabinet, next to all my awards, when they get it. They just can’t do events like these. They sent a letter with a check.”

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa shakes her head. “Nothing to be sorry for. It was a nice letter and a nicer check. I’m the same..I was the same way.”

“What changed?”

“I got hurt.”

“Oh.”

“Before that, all I did was study and swim. And when I was out of the hospital and the texts from my teammates stopped, I realized that I had nothing.”

“Your teammates stopped talking to you?”

“Of course they did Clarke, we were never more than teammates. Never friends. I made sure of that.” Clarke frowns and Lexa’s fingers came up to smooth it over as she speaks again. “I realized that I was lonely. I’d never indulged myself. Never done things that weren’t practical and logical. So I started going out. Catching Ted Talks. Art shows. Even the battle of the bands they had at Polis hall last month.”

“How was the battle of the bands?”

“Terrible. I can safely say that I am not a fan of metal.” Clarke laughs at the idea of Lexa in a mosh pit. “But I experienced it." Lexa continues, "And that’s something. I experienced today and this is most definitely something.”

Clarke blushes and she feels her chest overflow with the something that Lexa describes.

“Made friends?” She asks after reveling in the feeling.

“Not yet. Old habits and all that. And Rome certainly wasn’t built in a day. But I’d like to think that I’m not as aloof as I was.”

“You don’t strike me as aloof at all.”

“I’m glad, Clarke.”

“Why did _you_ walk?” she asks after a beat.

“My parents were high school sweethearts. They had pictures of themselves together at our house of all of their graduations, high school, undergrad, grad..Kid me always wanted to be like them. Killed myself to do it.”

“ _Had_ pictures?”

“Caught that huh?”

“What happened?”

“My dad went to prison. They got a divorce.”

“I hate it when that happens.” And Clarke laughs because her joking words are infinitely better than the pity she’d gotten from her high school classmates.

“He called me, wrote me, and somehow managed to convince the warden to get a video of him congratulating me.”

“Wow.”

“And my mom…well she texted saying she couldn’t make it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t really expect any differently.”

“Friends?”

“No time for friends when you’re pursuing a Chemical Engineering degree, doing research, and hefting emotional baggage all over the place.”

“You could have slept less. Skipped a couple of meals. Maybe limited showers to 5 minutes.”

Clarke smiles widely, heaviness gone and she peppers kisses all over Lexa’s face.

They settle into a silence that’s filled with small smiles and tender touches. It’s Clarke that speaks and she talks about her new job and new life that awaits her in Colorado and Lexa must hear the anxiety in her voice because she kisses it away thoroughly.

When they break apart, Lexa talks about her grad program and how challenging she expects it’ll be and Clarke makes sure to lace her answering kiss with her immutable belief that Lexa will excel in her endeavours.

The ensuing conversation is lighter and so easy and it lasts hours and Clarke wants to go on for hours more or years and even centuries but they are attuned to each other and both silently realize that this time is stolen and it’s more than caught up to them.

They stand bare in front of each other and take turns redressing each other.

As Clarke pulls the black lace up Lexa’s long legs she makes sure to kiss every spot along the way.

As Lexa clasps Clarke’s bra back on she places Clarke’s phone and billfold in it and gives them an affectionate tap before placing soft kisses in the exposed skin around the bra.

They both shimmy into their dresses, hold on to each other as they slip their feet into their shoes, and drape each other’s necks with the regalia.

With their gowns held in their arms, they simply look at each other.

Nodding sharply, Lexa leads the way out of the room and Clarke wonders if she’s as affected.

If she cares as much as Clarke does.

They walk out to the outdoor pool and Clarke is surprised by how low the sun is in the sky.

This morning’s graduation feels so recent and far away and the contradiction confuses her.

The pool is already lit up and Lexa makes her way to the base of the rocks and grabs the two sets of diplomas and caps turning to hand Clarke hers. 

Clarke nearly drops everything when Lexa pulls her into a rough kiss.

Lexa grips at her tightly and her kiss is desperate and demanding and Clarke has her answer as to whether Lexa cares in it.

The answer and the kiss make her dizzy and she holds on to Lexa’s free hand to reorient herself when they pull apart.

They walk hand in hand out of the recreation centre and stroll casually around campus taking in the sounds and sights of the rapidly escaping day.

They don’t speak as they walk and Clarke smiles when Lexa maneuvers her diploma, and cap and holds it between her arm and side so she can pull out her phone without letting Clarke’s hand go.

Clarke watches in her periphery as Lexa frowns at her phone and taps something out before she stops walking with a sigh. “When do you leave?” She asks.

“Now.” Clarke answers thinking about the long drive she has tonight and tomorrow.

Lexa nods.

“When do you leave?” Clarke asks in return.

“Now.” She waves her phone, “Taxi’s on its way to take me to the airport.

Clarke nods.

“No luggage?”

“Sent everything out there already.”

“Just need to send yourself out there then.”

“Just myself.” Lexa agreed. 

They stand, hands intertwined for another moment before Lexa speaks, “Clarke listen, I..” She trails off, distracted by the taxi that pulls up to the curb. “That was fast.” She mutters under her breath. “I have to go.” She adds.

“Okay.” Clarke responds numbly.

“Okay.” Lexa stands unsurely for a second before squeezing Clarke’s hand and letting it go.

She turns to the Taxi and opens the door and Clarke watches her as she walks backwards to the garage. As Lexa’s form begins to disappear in the car she feels a desperate urge to stop her and obeys it, calling out to her, “Lexa!”

Lexa whips out of the car and looks at Clarke eagerly, expectantly.

And Clarke doesn’t know what she wants.

But she does.

But instead she asks the only question she can. “Why did you say no?”

“What?” Lexa calls back.

Clarke shakes her head and approaches her quickly echoing her question.

“No to what?” Lexa asks.

“On the bench, when we..”

“Oh.” Lexa realizes.

Up close Clarke can see the colouring on her cheeks and she can’t help but reach her hand out.

Lexa leans in with a sigh and she reaches out to grip the fabric of Clarke’s dress. The taxi driver honks and neither girl pays him any mind. “I was scared. Scared of talking to you. I saw you alone on the bench so I talked myself into sitting with you but I couldn’t convince myself to talk to you. So I said..”

“No.” Clarke finishes. “The no wasn’t very successful.” she remarks after a beat.

“That’s a matter of perspective Clarke.” Lexa says softly before she leans in and kisses her.

And Clarke had spent the better part of the day kissing her but it still feels new and inexplicably natural.

“I have to go. I’ll miss my flight.”

The words, ‘miss it’ are on the tip of Clarke's tongue, dangling dangerously and she bites her lip hard to keep them in as she falls into Lexa’s arms for a tight hug that is entirely too short.

It doesn’t give her the time to feel Lexa’s warmth sink fully into her body.

Doesn’t give her the time to breathe her in and make a security blanket of her scent.

It most certainly doesn’t give her the time to throw pragmatism out of the window and make a go of it with this beautiful girl.

Does ‘it’ exist after mere hours?

Clarke thinks it does but she neglects to ask Lexa if she thinks the same.

“May we meet again.” Lexa says as she pulls away.

Clarke nods, lip still imprisoned.

And she watches as Lexa enters the taxi and it drives off.

Clarke trudges along to the garage once the taxi is out of sight feeling heavier and wondering if her heart could have possibly quadrupled in weight.

It feels like it.

She gets to her car, enters it, and turns it on. The radio blares a top fourty song and Clarke sets her gps to a hotel along the way.

She starts the car and is two hours into her drive, when she realizes that she’s no longer anxious about her new start.

She thinks of the soft words of encouragement and the kisses that made her feel like she could actually succeed.

And she thinks of the beautiful girl in the middle of a metal show, hating it but braving it.

And Clarke smiles.


	2. But something still stirs in me when I look in your eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are we supposed to do about us?” Clarke asks more quietly when Lexa doesn’t answer.
> 
> Lexa can’t help but look her in the eyes.
> 
> She’s sinking into their oceanic depths but her throat is dry and it takes a herculean effort for her to ask, “What do you mean us?”
> 
> She’s lying through her teeth but Clarke is unperturbed.
> 
> In fact Clarke appears to have not heard Lexa at all as she stands as if in a trance, eyes still locked on Lexa’s own.
> 
> “Can I touch you?” She asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help but add on. Thank you all for your kudos, wonderful comments on here, and messages on tumblr. You all really know how to make a gal feel special. I hope you like it!

The throbbing in Lexa’s shoulder wakes her up and she’s glad for it.

She’d been dreaming of the girl again.

Blues and yellows and a day she is starting to believe never happened.

After all there is no hard proof of it.

All Lexa has is the memory of the softest lips upon hers and the low voice that still sends her head reeling.

But dreams and memories lie.

Because there is no way that the angel Lexa remembers actually exists.

And if she does, she must have just been an ordinary girl who happened to be in Lexa’s life at a transitional moment and therefore had been built up by the adrenaline and fear and turned into quite literally, the girl of Lexa’s dreams.

Lexa swings her legs over the side of her bed and forgoes the pain medicine on her bedside table.

She always does.

In recent years her shoulder has begun flaring up sporadically. Lexa doesn’t mind though because for the most part, it behaves and she can’t quite fault it for its staged protest against the Boston winter.

She thinks of the injury and the path it put her on and inevitably thinks of the girl again.

Clarke.

She shakes her head at the memories that swarm her.

Memory is a strange thing.

What is it after all if there is no one to share it?

What is History without the paper to put it down on?

Lexa feels like she is always playing a game of telephone with herself and there’s no one there to laugh at the end result.

She sighs and dismisses her thoughts as too deep for the hour which her roommate Anya would describe as ‘demonically early’ and chooses to shower instead.

By the time she’s done and out of the shower, Anya is sitting dazedly at the kitchen counter and as per their ritual, Lexa grabs a box of cereal and pours it in a bowl with milk before sliding it towards Anya and physically putting the spoon in her hand.

She watches amusedly as like every day, Anya misses her first attempt to get the spoon into the cereal before grumbling and successfully managing to aim correctly for the second and consecutive attempts.

With a chuckle, she busies herself making eggs and toast and when finished, settles down on the stool next to Anya eating eagerly.

“Drinks tonight with everyone.” Anya finally speaks.

“Fine.” Lexa agrees knowing that with Anya the question, or rather demand, is implied.

“You might find a cute girl.”

“I might.” Lexa echoes doubtfully.

“Maybe stop thinking about your undergrad girlfriend.”

Lexa winces at the reference to Clarke. She’s mentioned her to Anya before when the alcohol in her veins loosened her just enough to let the racing memories and thoughts in her head bubble over into drunken ramblings.

“I didn’t have a girlfriend in undergrad.” She answers matter of fact.

“With the way you talk about her..”

Lexa grimaces and points the remainder of the toast at Anya. “I’ve mentioned _her_ twice while drunk.”

“Thrice.” Anya corrects dryly, “Forget about last night already?”

Lexa groans and finishes the last of her breakfast quickly, jumping out of the stool and placing her plate into the sink.

“I’m not making fun of you.” Anya says quietly, uncharacteristic of her usual brash self.

“No?”

“No.” Anya says as she stands and walks around the counter to place her empty bowl in the sink. “I envy you actually.”

Lexa scoffs.

Anya envies her?

Anya, who is the most confident person Lexa knows. Anya, who can stare down even the bravest of people. Anya, who on the first class of Lexa’s graduate career turned around, took one look at Lexa and said, "You’re with me.” mere seconds after the professor had introduced the semester team project.

Lexa is amazed she gets to be her friend let alone someone she envies.  

“Why?” She asks.

“The way you talk about her..I’ve never had someone to talk about like that.”

“I literally knew her for a few hours.” Lexa dismisses with a shake of her head, feeling somehow like she is lying.

“This kind of shit doesn’t have a time frame.”

“Wise words. Did you pull them from one of your greeting cards.” Lexa jokes in an attempt to clear the heaviness she feels surrounding her.

“They are wise.” Anya says firmly, ignoring Lexa’s joke.

“As wise as the kind of contradictory advice to find a cute girl?” Lexa presses. 

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Cause in my experience, second chances don’t exist. Forget about the girl, find a new one.” Anya responds with finality.

“Maybe you’re jaded.” Lexa finds herself saying, suddenly desperate to ignore the truth in her words.

“Maybe I am. But what I _do_ know is that we’re meeting at 8 at the Dropship so be there.”  

Anya’s words on second chances follow her for the entire time it takes her to get ready and walk to her class. But when she walks in, cheeks flushed from the cold, she is the picture of confidence and despite her youth, the way she commands the room is clear by the looks of admiration every one of her students give her.

She launches right into the case study she’d assigned and the entire class is actively engaged in discussion.

Lexa’s favourite classes in her academic career were always discussion based classes and she’d made a point to organize her classes that way. It certainly helps that she's teaching graduate students who are more serious and dedicated than the ones she remembers from her undergraduate career.

Still, despite the engaging class, she feels drained but powers through it blaming lack of sleep for her disorientation. She watches as her students file out animatedly and answers the questions the lingering students have before she sinks into a nearby seat.

The silence in the room is deafening and exactly what Lexa needs.

She revels in it until the familiar voice of Dean Jaha hits her ears.

She swivels around in her seat and catches his wide smile as he notices her. “Ahh. Dr Woods, so lovely to catch you.”

She stands up and approaches him with a nod, “It’s good to see you too Dean Jaha.”

He gestures to the grinning man with the sandy hair standing beside him, “Dr. Woods this is my old friend.”

“Andrew.” The man speaks up extending a hand that Lexa meets.

“Nice to meet you, sir.”

“Dr. Woods is our newest faculty member, it’s her second semester with us.”

“How are you liking it?” Andrew asks.

“It’s a beautiful campus and we have some great students.” Lexa answers.

“I was one of those in another life.” Andrew chuckles.

“Excuse me for a moment.” Dean Jaha speaks as he gestures at his vibrating phone before exiting the room to answer it.

“Are you thinking about re-enrolling?” Lexa asks as she watches him look around the room.

He laughs, “No, I’m afraid the time has passed for me.”

“Forgive me, sir, if I’m overstepping but I have students that are older than you.”

“How do you know my age?” He asks with a wink.

“I have a student in his eighties. I have to believe you’re younger than that.” Lexa answers with an honest smile finding herself endeared by him. 

He laughs loudly, throwing his head back and Lexa can’t help her widening smile in response. “Well, you’re flattering and convincing but I’m afraid I have a plane to catch out of the country in a few hours.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Iceland. Research project for a tiny startup company. I’m an engineer.”

“Wow.”

“Right? I’ve never been there. But what are second chances for?”

And Lexa suddenly finds it hard to breath for a moment but she responds with a tight smile.

He catches her discomfort anyway.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say..whatever I said.”

“No it’s..I’ve been thinking about second chances a lot.”

He hums thoughtfully, and nods when she doesn’t go on, “Me as well, Dr. Woods. I made a lot of stupid choices. Lost my daughter in the process. I invited her up here to say goodbye actually, have dinner with myself and Thelonious, but she got caught up with work and couldn’t fly up here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“I’ve tried to see her a couple of times but something always comes up.” He shakes his head before he holds his palms out, “Not looking for pity. I deserve the cold shoulder.”

“Okay.” Lexa speaks slowly, unsure of where the conversation is going.

“What I’m trying to say is, I didn’t get my second chance with her. But I have the second chance with my own life. So I’ll head out there and do my thing and I’ll reach out to her every so often but I’ll mostly give her space and if she doesn’t respond..well, at least I got to somewhat fix my own life.”

Lexa nods, at his sad smile and speaks up, “Sometimes I feel like I got a second chance.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Had an injury in college. It entirely changed the course of my life. Who I am now..the happiness I have now..I owe it all to what I thought at the time was the worst thing that could happen in my life.”

“Good for you .” He says seriously.

“So I don’t get a second second chance?” She asks half-jokingly.

“Nope. Not in my experience. You’re all out of luck kid. There are probably openings in Iceland for economists if you wanna throw your first second chance away.”

And somehow this stings more than Anya’s words. But she laughs at his words and is glad when Dean Jaha walks back in.

She’s sick of philosophizing.

She excuses herself with a lie about having to get to a meeting and rushes out with a wave goodbye.

It’s a weird walk through campus.

As she walks by the library gardens, she overhears a discussion between a member of the custodial staff and a facilities manager she recognizes. “I’ve already given you a second chance! You show up late, your work ethic leaves a lot to be desired…”

She frowns and walks faster.

As she passes a couple by the stairs of the engineering building, she hears the girl plead as she tugs on the boy’s shirt, “Please, it didn’t mean anything. Give me a second chance. You know it’s me and you baby..”

She increases her pace, and practically runs into the student center and as she sits on a chair with a sigh she hears the monopoly playing students on the nearby table speaking, “Dude, that’s like your second chance card that puts you on my property, pay up again..”

Lexa stands and walks out of the building.

She feels like she’s going crazy and she walks to every end of the campus and hears the words second chance more than she’s ever heard in her life.

She’s positive, she’s on the Truman show or something.

She wonders for a fleeting moment if a general audience would like her class. She tries to keep it discussion based after all.

She shakes her head clear and puffs out a breath that hangs in front of her in the cold air momentarily before dissipating.

None of it matters when she’s probably certifiably insane.

It’s been hours since her class ended and she would have usually spent her short-day at home prepping for the rest of the week.

But she’s frazzled and her head is jumbled and all she can fathom is that she has to leave to meet her friends in a few minutes. Surely they will reorient her and if not she could always imbibe in copious amounts of alcohol.

She sighs and begins the walk out of campus and towards the bar, hell bent on avoiding any human life until she gets there. This, a task made infinitely easier by the cold which has chased everyone indoors.

She’s distracted as she approaches the gate by a lone figure huddled on the bench bundled up in a coat.

She wonders why anyone would sit out here especially now that it’s starting to lightly snow.

But then again Lexa had spent the past few hours wandering around so who was she to judge.

But as she approaches, she notices the blonde hair and her heart thumps the way it always does when she sees that kind of blonde.

Lexa moves closer in the fading light and is convinced it’s her.

She can’t breathe.

But eyesight lies.

So she gets closer still.

So close that she is at the bench.

And she is sitting.

And the blonde is staring at something in the distance.

Utterly and completely unaware of this world.

But it is her.

Lexa is sure now.

And her world narrows to the worry that she is now seeing things in addition to hearing things.

So she sits quietly and stares ahead.

Head buzzing.

Heart pounding.

She’s not going to make it to drinks with her friends is she?

“No.” comes the light rasp.

And Lexa doesn’t believe it.

So she keeps staring ahead.

“No.”

This time she looks to her right painfully slowly and meets blue eyes.

She swallows and shakes her head.

“Lexa?” Clarke chokes out in disbelief.

“Clarke..Clarke I..Do you ever think you’re going crazy?”

Clarke stares at Lexa like she’s one of the wonders of the world and Lexa, unable to take that look turns to look straight ahead. Lexa sees Clarke’s head shake in her periphery and she takes several deep breaths before she answers.

“Yes. All the time.”

She inches closer to Lexa, “Lexa I..Hi.”

And Lexa smiles because underneath the feeling of panic, she finds the ease she’d forgotten about.

“Hello.” She turns to Clarke and her answering smile makes her feel like it’s all real.

And in this moment it is confirmed that memory is a liar.

Because Clarke is more beautiful than she could have ever imagined.

And her quick breaths are sending little bursts of fog in between them.

And her left arm is halfway across the top of the bench as if she’s trying to steady herself or reach out to touch Lexa.

And her eyes are shining with mirth and she’s so beautiful.

“I never thought I’d see you again.” Clarke says quietly.

“You’re in my city.” Lexa answers steadily.

“I know. I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. It’s weird, I know. I’m just some girl you..”

“I’ve been thinking about you too. I dreamt about you last night.” Lexa rushes to reassure. “I never thought I’d see you again either.” She adds when Clarke is quiet.  

“Can we go somewhere? It’s cold. But I mean actually let’s not..I don’t want to impose..”

“My place is down the street.” Lexa interrupts her rambling again, oddly unruffled in the face of the impending unknown. “Come on.” She orders as she stands up and sets off walking to her apartment.

Clarke follows and it feels so familiar.

It’s cold but somehow it’s warm with Clarke.

And Lexa feels like she should be nervous but she’s half convinced that this isn’t happening and the other half of her is completely confounded to the point of calm.

They get to the apartment building, shaking off the cold, and head into the elevator.

No words are exchanged as it rises slowly to the fourth floor and it isn’t until the apartment door is safely locked behind them that anyone speaks.

“Nice place.” Clarke says.

And Lexa is positive Clarke hasn’t looked at the apartment at all considering the fact that her eyes have been glued to Lexa since they entered.

But she answers in acquiescence regardless and Clarke hums in acknowledgment.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Lexa asks as she approaches the fridge nervously.

“No.” comes the quick reply.

So Lexa redirects instead and walks over to the ottoman where she settles herself as she watches Clarke watch her.

Clarke slowly circles the couch and sits on it, eyes on Lexa and there is a stretch of silence as they simply take the moment in and watch each other.

“Is it weird to say that I missed you?” Clarke asks timidly.

“About as weird as when I said I dreamt about you earlier.” Lexa answers honestly.

“What are you up to these days?” Clarke asks to break the enveloping silence that Lexa’s words bring about.

“I teach.”

“Agricultural Economics?”

“Good memory. I’m teaching Supply Chain Management, Ag Policy, Ag Marketing, and Natural Resource Econ this semester.”

“Wow. That’s..Is that what you wanted? To teach?”

“Not really. But I’m glad to be doing it.”

“Oh.”

“Still Engineering Biomedics?”

“Good memory. Yeah same company and everything. Kind of sick of it.”

“What brings you to Boston?”

“Oh you know.” She says non-committally.

Lexa nods and is struck by a sudden realization. “You know I met a man today. Said his name was Andrew. Has a daughter he’s trying to reconcile with?”

“Oh?”

“The way he talked.” Lexa tries to explain, “Just seemed kind of familiar.”

“Oh. Okay.” Clarke says before she frowns as she realizes what Lexa is implying, “Oh. You mean like my dad?”

“I mean…I don’t know what I mean.”

“My dad’s name is Jake.”

“Oh. How is he?” Lexa asks half-embarrassed.

“As good as a felon can be I guess.”

“Oh okay. I’m sorry I asked. It’s just been a weird day.”

“Tell me about it. That was a shitty answer though. He’s fine. I just haven’t seen much of him since I moved to Colorado.”

“I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Don’t..you can ask me anything.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“This is awkward. I mean, saying it out loud right now doesn’t help the situation but you know..”

“None of those were questions.”

Lexa meets her eyes and can’t help but laugh at her teasing.

Clarke grins widely at her and leans back on the couch and Lexa unconsciously leans forward to follow her.

“It’s been five years.” Clarke murmurs as she looks at her fingernails.

“And some change.” Lexa adds.

“Five years.” Clarke repeats.

“Yeah.” And her answer seems like not quite enough because she’s as much in disbelief as Clarke is. She feels like she’s twenty-two again and this blue eyed blonde has her head spinning the same way she did five years prior.

“Congratulations on your masters.”

“Oh, thanks. I mean, I never got it though.” Lexa manages.

“What?”

“I switched to the phd program after a year.”

“You have a phd?”

“I do.”

“Holy cow. What have I been doing with my life.”

“Advancing medical technology and saving millions of lives?”

“It’s not quite as glamourous as you describe it.”

“Is anything ever?” Lexa asks before she clamps her mouth shut at her own lie.

Because Clarke is infinitely more wonderful than Lexa has ever described her to Anya.

Clarke shifts restlessly on the couch for a long moment before she asks, “Where do we start?”

And Lexa wonders what there is to start.

But she knows.

And it scares her.

“What are we supposed to do about us?” Clarke asks more quietly when Lexa doesn’t answer.

Lexa can’t help but look her in the eyes.

She’s sinking into their oceanic depths but her throat is dry and it takes a herculean effort for her to ask, “What do you mean us?”

She’s lying through her teeth but Clarke is unperturbed.

In fact Clarke appears to have not heard Lexa at all as she stands as if in a trance, eyes still locked on Lexa’s own.

“Can I touch you?” She asks.

And Lexa is unable to speak so she settles for a nod.

She’s enraptured as Clarke moves forward and is suddenly aware of every part of her body. Clarke’s hand comes up slowly and meets Lexa’s cheek and Lexa can’t help but lean into it.

She closes her eyes and sighs lightly as the soft hand gently caresses her cheek.

She feels another hand on her other cheek and the warmth of Clarke’s face near hers.

She can hear Clarke’s breathing and smell a faint vanilla on her.

She knows what’s going to happen and yet she doesn’t.

Clarke kisses her.

It’s soft and reverent and in sends tingles down her body.

And Lexa can’t help but panic.

She grabs Clarke by the collar and pulls her in closer, hardening the kiss.

It’s abruptly desperate and rough and engulfing and Lexa doesn’t ever want to comprehend anything but this.

She pulls her again, rough, and Clarke stumbles forward and leans too far left causing both of them to topple over the side of the ottoman.

Lexa wastes no time taking advantage of her position on top of Clarke and surges downwards to join their lips together swallowing the startled yelp Clarke lets out. Clarke’s teeth bite at her lower lip and Lexa’s fingers dig bruises into Clarke’s arms in response.

It’s hot.

Too hot.

But Lexa refuses to oblige Clarke’s fumbling fingers as they try to unbutton her coat, instead pushing her hands above her head insistently and releasing them immediately to trail one hand downwards.

Her left hand rests on Clarke’s jaw angling it to kiss her deeper and she can feel Clarke’s pulse jump when her right hand arrives at its wet hot destination.

Lexa doesn’t tease or take her time and Clarke’s answering gasps prove that she’s just as eager.

Her shoulder is throbbing from catching her fall and her relentless movements against Clarke but she finds herself forgetting her pain when Clarke’s own hand winds its way down her body.

They rock against each other frantically and Lexa nips at Clarke’s neck before she buries her head into the carpet below with her eyes tightly shut and increases her pace. Clarke’s gasps have turned into moans and their higher pitch and frequency excite Lexa and spur her on and its mere seconds later before Clarke tumbles over the edge.

It takes Clarke a minute to recover panting breathlessly before she turns Lexa over and resumes her movements. Lexa’s shoulder digs uncomfortably into the ground and the pain of it clear hers mind of its daze momentarily before Clarke crashes their lips back together and Lexa finds herself shaking up to her peak for an endless moment before she comes back down exhausted and sated.

“That was..” Clarke rasps after a moment, “Where are you going?” She interrupts herself husky and low from exertion as Lexa stands.

“Here.” Lexa answers unable to walk any further, collapsing on the couch and struggling to take off her coat, “It’s hot.”

“it is.” Clarke agrees as she half-heartedly unbuttons her coat with one hand.

They manage successfully after much grumbling to discard their coats and sweaters and lie exhaustedly on the floor and couch respectively with their eyes on their ceiling.

With her coat on Lexa had felt stifled but now she feels cold.

She is aware as her fears begin to trickle in, that it isn’t just the temperature that is making her feel this way.

She curls inward on herself instinctually and rubs lightly at her shoulder.

“Did you make friends?” Clarke asks from her position on the floor, voice warm and sleepy.

“I did.” Lexa confirms starting to wonder why they’re doing this.

“Tell me about them.”

Lexa shakes her head aware of the ticking clock and knowing that Clarke will leave soon even without being told. She schools her voice and answers regardless.

She talks about Anya and how they met and how she dropped out to dedicate her time fully to the fledgling greeting card business she’d started.

She talks about Lincoln and how they met when he’d stepped in to stop some overbearing guys at a campus party and how gentle of a friend he’s proved to be.

She talks about Indra who was her advisor on her thesis and became her mentor and friend as well.

Clarke smiles and hums at her stories before talking about her own friends she’s gained over the years.

Raven, an engineer like herself who Clarke declares is the only thing keeping her at her job because her propensity to challenge her superiors during meetings is entertaining.

Octavia, who she met at the gym when she convinced herself to get fit but had to ask the intimidating super fit girl for help on how to use every machine.

And Murphy, who she’d hated at first because he was her biggest competition at trivia nights that she went to with Raven until they struck up a conversation one night and joined together to become the ultimate team.

Lexa listens and despite her restlessness, she finds herself proud of both herself and Clarke.

Their conversation five years ago despite its hopefulness, had been far bleaker.

“How are your parents?”

And the moment of pride is over and Lexa is just tired.

“Fine. The check this graduation was bigger and so I imagine is the official photograph on the mantle.” She says quickly as she sits up and puts her feet on the ground, restless. “You?” She asks as an afterthought.

“My mom, it’s still tough with her. And my dad, I don’t know, I should talk to him.”

“Okay Clarke.” Lexa says. She wants to ask more, but asking more will get her more and she thinks it might be too much.  

“Okay?” Clarke asks with a furrowed brow as she sits up on the floor.

“Yeah, okay.” Lexa says, standing up with a sigh.

“Why are you being short with me?”

“Don’t you have to plane to catch back home?”

“In a couple of hours, yeah. Talk to me.” Clarke says as she pushes herself to a standing position and crosses her arms.

Lexa shakes her head stubbornly before she throws caution to the wind.

“Talk to you? Okay Clarke I’ll talk. You have a plane to catch. In a couple of hours you’re gone. And even though I’m having this conversation with you right now and it’s been weird, everything about seeing you has exceeded my every hope. Seeing you is still too invigorating, talking to you is still too easy and touching you is still too necessary. So I’m sorry Clarke. I’m tired. And I’m already going to play this in my head a million times after you leave and I’m just tired.”

Lexa breathes heavily with exertion regretting every single word that spilled out of her mouth.

The minutes tick by and Clarke looks deep in thought as she watches Lexa slowly calm down until her breath evens.

Each passing second fills Lexa with dread for what Clarke will respond with and she watches her open and close her mouth several times before she finally speaks.

“My dad’s middle name is Andrew.” Clarke says simply.

And Lexa is baffled because it’s the last response she ever expected but it makes sense in every way.

“Why did you lie to him?” Lexa asks softly.

“Cause he was a great dad in every way. And I couldn’t forgive him for that. I tried. And I couldn’t.”

“Clarke..”

“Lexa, listen..you’re right. I’m leaving in a couple of hours. But I’m not going to Colorado.”

“What?”

“I’m going to Iceland.”

“Clarke.”

“I’m going to go spend some time with my father and then I’ll go back to Denver, and I’ll quit my job and I’ll pack up and I’ll move here and we’ll try this.”

“Clarke, you..”

“We’ll try this because I dream about you too. We’ll try this because two weeks ago I saw this girl with hair like yours while driving down the street, so I parked in a no parking zone and ran after her and she wasn’t you and I got a ticket for my troubles. We’ll try this because it wasn’t the first time I’ve ran after a girl thinking it was you.”

And Lexa can only shake her head, not believing this is happening. 

“Clarke this is crazy.”

“I know. But listen Lexa I don’t mean to give this great speech but you..you overwhelm me in the best way possible. I can’t really think or breathe around you. It’s just like it was five years ago.”

“Clarke please..”

“Lexa, do you believe in soulmates? I don’t know that I do. But I believe in unfinished business. And you’re so unfinished and I can’t bear it anymore.”

“Clarke, you have a job.”

“Do you love _your_ job?”

“I..I mean I haven’t had it very long but yeah..”

“I have five years on you with my job. So I know for a fact that I’m tired of it. That I’ve been looking for an excuse to leave it.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to leave Colorado.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to stay there either.”

And Lexa has to admit quietly to herself that Clarke has a point.  

“There are great engineering firms in Boston. I should know, I’ve looked it up more than once over the years..” Clarke adds.

“Your friends..” Lexa says weakly.

“Will still be my friends when I move, besides what better way to prove that I’m better with people than making a whole bunch of new ones here.”

“Clarke, I..”

“Can I use your computer?”

Stuck in a daze, Lexa grabs her laptop from the dining room table and hands it to Clarke.

Clarke’s walks calmly over to the kitchen island and opens the laptop as if she’s done this a thousand times in this apartment.

And Lexa wonders why everything feels so practiced with Clarke.

So much like they’ve done it all before.

But it’s exciting and new all the same and Lexa can’t remember the last time she was this excited.

It’s a sobering feeling and she finds herself shifting back to worry.

“What are you doing?” She asks, head clearing, as she watches Clarke start to type away at the keyboard.

“Well, I have to cancel my flight to Denver then I have to book a flight to Reykjavik. Pretty sure my dad’s flight still has room on it. He’ll get such a kick when he sees me at the terminal. He’ll love it. He’s crazy like that.”

“Because _you’re_ not?” Lexa asks incredulously.

“What I’m doing is perfectly logical.”

“I can’t believe..You..you’re just going to quit.”

“Yup.” Clarke says cheerfully eyes glued to the screen. “I think maybe I’ll send a selfie and caption it something like..oooh I know!” She stops typing and turns to Lexa with a manic grin. She clears her throat and moves her left hand in a horizontal line as she speaks, “Re-reykjavik I must inform you that I have decided to seek out greener pastures. Bye.”

“What?”

“Don’t you get it? Re-reykjavik? It’s a play on regrettably!”

“Clarke? How?” Is all Lexa can say as she fights the smile that threatens to break out on her face.

Clarke huffs as she turns her attention back to the laptop.. “Admittedly it’s not my best joke..”

“Joke?”

“Okay _now_ you’re just being mean.” She pulls out her phone and passport book with a grin, “Flight cancelled. Lemme get my pop’s itinerary then hop onto his flight and I’ll be all set.”

“Tell me you won’t actually quit that way.”

“Why not! Selfie quitting is all the rage.” She smiles as she looks up but it falters when she sees Lexa’s expression. “Lexa relax, I’m kidding. I’m being impulsive right now but I’m not gonna burn my bridges.”

Lexa must look unconvinced to her because she rushes to explain.

“I’ll call my supervisor on Monday, explain that I have a family emergency, then when I get back, week after next on the umm 23rd, I’ll give them notice. Stick around for a couple of weeks and make sure I’m not leaving them in a bind and then voila.”

And Lexa does feel better knowing that Clarke is being practical in the midst of her insanity. So she’s quiet as she leans on the edge of the couch and watches Clarke mumble her way through whatever she’s doing on the screen.

“You wanna hear something crazy?” Clarke speaks up after a minute.

Lexa raises an eyebrow at her and she laughs.

And God, does Lexa hate it when she laughs.

And God, does she hate that she actually loves it.

Because it’s so monumental in the scale of everything and it makes everything that’s happening seem so simple.

And suddenly Clarke being in Lexa’s life is so ordinary in its inevitability.

And Lexa can’t really breathe but she supposes she’s not alone in her plight.

“I lost my driver’s licence a couple of days ago. So I had to fly here on my passport. Do you know how often I use my passport?” She asks as the waves the blue book in her hand around.

Lexa shakes her head.

“Never. I’m using it for the first time today and I just happen to need it for the first time.”

“Oh.”

“Oh is right.” She says with a smile that Lexa returns.

Lexa watches silently for a few more minutes before Clarke straightens and shuts the laptop. “Done. Closest available seat was across the aisle. He’ll love it.”

“I’m glad you found a seat. How long’s the flight?” Lexa asks suddenly afraid as Clarke approaches.

“Five hours.” Clarke responds nonchalantly as she stops right in front of Lexa.

“Clarke.” Lexa croaks.

But by now Clarke has one hand on Lexa’s collarbone and the other one making its way to the back of her neck. Her neck is pulled forward gently until their foreheads meet and she closes her eyes with a soft sigh.

“Thank you, Lexa.”

“What for?”

“For everything. I would never have fixed things with him. And with her. When I get back, I'll fix things with her.”

“You did..you're doing that on your own.”

Clarke shakes her head in disagreement. “Thank you.” She repeats.

Lexa starts to argue but is cut off as Clarke speaks again.

“Listen Lexa, I’m not moving in with you. I’m not even going to come find you until I’m somewhat settled. But when I do..” She starts before she pulls back.

Lexa opens her eyes to meet Clarke’s own determined ones.

“When I do..” She repeats, “We’re going to try. And maybe this is a weird infatuation that’ll fade. And maybe time will make you insufferable to me. And maybe I’ve romanticized you so much that the real you won’t compare.” She shakes her head and whispers, “But somehow I don’t think so.”

It so quiet that Lexa wonders if she would have caught it had she not watched Clarke say it.

“Clarke, are you sure about all this?” Lexa asks.

“No.” Clarke breathes.

And Lexa kisses her for her honesty.

Because if Clarke can be brave, then the least Lexa can do is be here.

For her.

“Come on.” Lexa whispers when she pulls away from Clarke's lips.

She pulls an obliging Clarke around the couch and sits down on it, pulling her down until they are both laying on it.

It’s a tight fit but Lexa wouldn’t have it any other way, especially when Clarke reaches over intuitively and kneads at her shoulder softly.

“Hi.” Clarke says, voice gravelly.

“Hello Clarke.”

“How are you?”

“A bit overwhelmed but in a good way I think. How are you?”

“About the same. Scared also.”

“I know.” Lexa says with a kiss to her forehead, “Me too.”

“Is this worse?” Clarke asks as she taps her fingers lightly against Lexa’s shoulder.

“A bit. When it’s cold it is.”

“How exactly did you hurt it? You never said.”

Lexa sighs and pecks her forehead quickly, “I was drunk actually.”

“Really?”

She sighs again reluctant to share but comfortable in doing so with Clarke regardless. “Yeah. I used to go out with all the girls on the team after competitions every once in a while but I’d never stay with them. I’d get drunk, find some company for the night, have umm…”

“Sex? You mean what we just had on the floor? Just now?”

“Okay okay.” Lexa says embarrassed. “Yes. Then I’d go home alone and back to my routine the next day.”

“Playgirl Lexa, breaking hearts.”

Lexa snorts, “Not much heart involved considering most of the time we didn’t even make it out of the bar.”

“Wow.” Clarke teases. 

Lexa’s cheeks are hot and she’s fairly sure they’re red if the way Clarke is giving quick kisses to the concentrated spots is any indication.

“Sorry.” She manages.

“For what?” Clarke asks seriously, “We all have our vices. I did the same. Frat parties were more my forte rather than bars.”

“Never much liked those during undergrad.”

“Good choice. They were a shitshow. And attending them with people who are friendly acquaintances at best is not the safest thing in the world.”

“Were you okay?” Lexa asks, worried and years too late.

“I had some scary moments. I didn’t go enough for my luck to run out though. Too busy. Thank you double major and research.”

“Hmm.” Lexa responds with a frown.  

“I’m here. I’m safe.” Clarke drawls rolling her eyes as she leans on her elbow, hovering over Lexa. “You’re the one who got injured and still hasn’t told me how.”

“The natural conversation drifted away from my injury..actually, speaking of, did you know the number one leading cause of..”

“Lexa.”

“Fine. I tripped over a girl’s heels after she threw them off and I kind of stumbled into the street.”

Clarke lets out a gasp and the hand that was massaging her shoulder flies to her open mouth.

“Yeah. I got a little bit hit by a car.”

“A little bit?” Clarke asks with a raised brow, entirely too serious.

“Yeah. A little bit. If I’d been further out in the street..”

“I’m sorry.” Clarke whispers.

Lexa shrugs, “Accidents happen.”

“Was she a good lay?”

“Clarke!”

“What! It’s a legitimate question!”

“I’m telling you about the accident that changed my life!” “And I’m asking you a question that nobody probably thought to ask you! Just being thorough!”

Lexa huffs but is unable to avoid answering when the blonde above her has a wide dazzling grin. “No she was not.” She admits.

“Pity.”

“How so?”

“It would have at least softened the blow.”

“Clarke.”

“I’m sorry Lexa, but you just told me that the accident that prevented you from being in my tv right now winning gold medals was caused by some girl’s stiletto.”

“They were platforms.” Lexa whines, perfectly aware that Clarke will probably find it even more amusing. And she pulls the girl down into a rough kiss to stop the resulting laughs.

The feeling of Clarke laughing into her mouth is absolutely exhilarating and Lexa wants nothing more than to spend her days kissing into her laughter.

The realization stuns her and scares her and when they pull away from each other, she pulls Clarke into the crook of her neck and throws her arm over her face as if it’ll offer some protection. She can feel Clarke’s fingers trailing along her collar bone and the path they make is highlighted by the warm breath that puffs onto it.

“Do you wanna know?” Clarke asks, “Why he went to prison?”

“If you want to tell me.” Lexa answers simply glad for the distraction.

“Embezzlement.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He had a gambling habit that he needed to sustain so..”

Lexa runs her hand along Clarke’s side soothingly.

“My mom turned him in.”

“Well that’s..not the best thing ever.” Lexa manages in shock. She lifts the arm over her face and replaces it with her palm as she slaps her forehead for reacting in such a dumb way.

But Clarke’s melancholy tone has turned into loud laughter and Lexa can’t help but smile as she watches Clarke through her fingers.

“No.” Clarke teases, “It isn’t quite the best thing ever, Lexa.”

“Sorry.”

“No.” She sighs, “I was angry at her but I was in high school. I didn’t quite understand that the people who used to come around looking for him weren’t very friendly. He owed a lot of money and he stole a lot to try and pay it off. It was an endless cycle cause he never could quite quit gambling. She..she was trying to protect us.”

“How long was he in?”

“Nine years. From middle of my senior year of high school till a few of months ago. ”

“Wow.”

“Like I said. It was a lot of money.”

“He managed to find a job? I mean it’s in Iceland but..”

“A friend got him the job. It’s several notches down the responsibility ladder from where he used to be but..it’s a fresh start.”

“Are you still mad at your mom?”

“Do you always have to ask the hard questions?”

“Hey, you introduced the subject. We can talk about something else.”

"We don't have to talk at all." Clarke teases with a wiggle of her brow.

Lexa feels the laughter bubble up in her chest she pushes softly at a smirking Clarke.

Clarke smiles brightly at her before she sighs, “No, I’m not mad at her. I haven’t been for a long time. I’m just stubborn.”

“I’m aware.”

“Shut up.” Clarke says as she pushes lightly at Lexa. Lexa digs her fingers into Clarke’s side in a tickle and Clarke writhes around in short bursts of laughter.

“Stop!” She shrieks amidst giggles.

She grabs at Lexa’s hands and pushes them up but as they watch each other the air shifts and their fingers intertwine softly. Clarke shifts her body and throws her right leg over Lexa’s body so she’s straddling her and they simply watch each other quietly as they grip each other’s hands.

Slowly Clarke leans in and her lips meet Lexa’s in a sigh.

Lexa feels like she’s floating on cloud nine and it’s the very feeling of weightlessness that reminds her that gravity is always waiting to pull them back down.

When Clarke pulls away, she rests her forehead on Lexa’s and Lexa is quiet as she allows herself to revel in the moment.

But she feels the dread rise and she can't help but ask the question that’s been on her tongue for the past hour.

“When do you leave?”

“Now.”

She’s unsurprised by the answer and struck by the five year old de ja vu.

But Lexa isn’t leaving this time.

She’s staying.

She’s waiting.

“I should call an uber.”

“Okay.” Lexa responds.  

Clarke pulls out her phone with her left hand and leaves the right intertwined with Lexa’s. She taps at the screen with her thumb and Lexa grips the hand in hers tighter.

Putting her phone in her pocket, Clarke looks back at Lexa and sighs. “7 minutes.” She says.

“Oh.” Lexa responds hollowly.

Clarke’s left hand comes down to Lexa’s face where she trails her fingers along Lexa’s features gently. Lexa closes her eyes at the feeling and feels Clarke lower her body slowly burrowing her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck and engulfing Lexa in a an addictive warmth.

Lexa breathes deeply and imagines that there isn’t a car on its way here to pick Clarke up.

Nothing pending.

Just them.

Stealing moments away from the busy city and their busy lives.

Just them.

Just existing.

And she realizes that with this girl, she could do this forever.

Just be.

And the thought is scary.

But Lexa realizes as she clutches the girl above her tightly, that the thought of her not coming back is infinitely scarier.

So she gently moves Clarke’s face until her blues eyes meet Lexa’s own and she leans in slowly and places her lips on hers in a kiss she hopes conveys the immensity of her feeling.

It’s hard yet soft, long yet too short, and deeper and more intimate than any of their prior kisses.

And when they pull away, Lexa traces the frown lines on her face and realizes she’s frowning too when Clarke reciprocates.

“I should go.” Clarke says.

“You should,” Lexa agrees.

They disentangle themselves from each other, retrieve their respective sweaters and coats from the floor, pull them on, and find their hands naturally intertwined as they walk out of the apartment.

They stroll casually down the hallway and Clarke nonchalantly rambles about the differences in pattern and colour between her and Lexa’s apartment building hallway carpeting.

They opt for the stairs and Clarke launches into a detailed lecture about the difference in the slope ratio of the stairs between her and Lexa’s apartment building.

They exit the building and are hit with the cold and Clarke swears that the revolving door in her apartment swings differently than the one in Lexa’s.

Lexa cuts her off with her kiss when she begins to estimate the swing radius.

“How many minutes?” She asks as she pulls away breathlessly.

Clarke glances at her phone, “One.” She whispers.

They turn and face the street side by side, gripping each other’s hands.

“Lexa?”

“Yes, Clarke?”

“Are you…Do you want this? It’s just that I kinda sprung it on you. And we’ve only actually been around each other for less than ten hours. And most of that was five years ago and we’ve probably changed. And it’s crazy and overwhelming and I need a change in my life but you don’t. And I don’t want to make you accommodate me when for all I know. you're perfectly happy and don’t want me to come barreling in and ruining everything. And I just..”

And Lexa almost laughs in disbelief because Clarke has come in like the whirlwind that she is and made decisions and plans but she still doubts that Lexa wants this.

Wants her. 

“Clarke. I like you. I like you so much.” Lexa shakes her head trying to articulate herself better. “Clarke, I have entire days where I think of nothing but you and if I’ll ever see you again. And you’re real and you’re here..and God, Clarke! I want you so badly.”

Clarke smiles at her words and it’s watery and Lexa’s hand comes up to her cheek as she watches her in awe. “Lexa, this is our chance. Our first and maybe only chance to find out what we are.”

“First?”

“Five years ago, we made the right choice. It wasn’t a chance that we missed. It was an introduction to each other. This..this is our chance. And it might work and be wonderful or it might no..”

Lexa kisses her quiet. “To first chances.” She whispers as she pulls away.

“To first chances.” Clarke echoes.

“Your uber is here.” Lexa states.

“I know.”

And Lexa is twenty two again as she speaks.

“May we meet again.”

And Lexa is twenty seven as Clarke kisses her forehead and looks her in the eye.

“We will.”

And Lexa watches as she enters the uber and long after it drives off before she walks back into her apartment building and trudges up the stairs and down the hallway into her apartment.

She sits in a daze on the couch before the buzzing of her phone pulls her out of her reverie.

She pulls it out to discover, thirteen texts from Anya that start off asking where she is, continue into lecturing her for her ‘ditching’ them, and end in threatening Lexa’s death if she turns out to not be okay.

Lexa feels like the latter texts are contradictory but she replies anyway, reassuring that she is fine and sends similar texts to Lincoln and Indra who’ve sent one each.

She smiles as she imagines how she’ll explain what happened.

And then she thinks of the words ‘we will’ and the girl who thinks ‘re-reykjavik’ is a play on the word regrettably.

And Lexa laughs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She knows that she’ll think about this far too much over the years.
> 
> But she knows she’ll think about it more if she says no.
> 
> So she plunges into the unknown and wonders how this girl has always had a way of making her do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm done for real this time. Thank you so much for your beautiful comments and messages and support. You are wonderful.

Lexa waits.

Clarke never comes.

She tries to be patient.

She tries to calculate how long it would take for Clarke to accomplish all the things she had wanted to before showing up at Lexa’s door.

At nine months from the day the blonde girl uttered the words, “We will” she stops.

To say she’s heartbroken over a woman she hasn’t even spent a full day with would be ridiculous.

It would also be an understatement.

So she deals the best way she can.

She tries to stop looking when she sees blonde hair in the periphery. She tries to stop straining her ears for the sound of a knock when she’s in the apartment. And she tries to stop imagining what she’d say if she saw her again.

It weighs on her regardless and even if she were oblivious to her own feelings, the way Anya hovers would be an indicator that she wasn’t quite herself.

But she’s grateful for Anya, who bore most of the brunt of Lexa’s excitement and who never verbalized her doubts as the time ticked on. And she’s grateful that when her hope was finally extinguished, she’d never had to say anything.

Anya knew and she was just there.

All of her friends, were just there.

Lexa had wondered at the time why she’d deprived herself of friendships for so long.

She’s almost intoxicated by all the support she has and drunk on it and wine one night, she calls her parents. Her mother answers, voice calm but still betraying her surprise at the call.

It isn’t a holiday and Lexa doesn’t have big news but she was swaying as she sits and she finds the courage to ask her mother to come and visit her. Her mother is silent for several minutes and a less inebriated Lexa would have probably hung up or backtracked but she finds herself waiting patiently.

Lexa sits in shock for hours after the quiet yes.

And when her father’s confirmation text comes through days later, she realizes that she’s nervous to see them. But they come and it’s..fun. Lexa doesn’t expect to enjoy herself but she does.

She loves watching their excitement as she shows them _her_ city. Loves hearing about their lives. Loves watching them beam with pride as they sit in, not one, but all of her lectures for the week.

Her father makes her smile as her engages in a rousing debate with another student in her class.

And her mother makes her smile as she comes up after class with a notebook full of notes, asking questions that Lexa has to seriously think about before answering.

As she bids them goodbye at the end of the week, a sadness she hadn’t expected weighing her down, she wonders how her relationship with them had deteriorated.

Were they always just aloof, or had Lexa never really tried with them?

The answer is scary and disorienting and Lexa opts instead to think of her mother’s smile and her father’s serious nod as she promises to call them.

She follows through with the call and it feels like a new start.

As the beginning of the new year comes and goes, months flying bye at a breakneck pace, Lexa finds herself excited.

It’s been two years since she became a professor and her first batch of students is graduating today.

She has personally advised three but has seen the others in her classes and she is happy for them all.

As she sits on the stage watching the students fidget in their gowns in front of her, she can’t help but think back to past her graduate graduation and to her undergrad graduation. She struggles to remember the details of the actual ceremony when the memory of the rest of the day spent with a certain blonde is so overpowering.

She only allows herself a single moment of nostalgia though.

It’s been over a year now since the blonde came back into her life bearing promises and Lexa still feels the disappointment in her bones.

She still wonders what went wrong.

But mostly she hopes that wherever Clarke is, she’s okay and living the life she wants to be.

The ceremony goes on and Lexa watches the beaming students walk across the stage, excited for the next step. She thinks of her fears when she was walking across the stage and how time and living was ultimately what assuaged them.

And she tries not to think of the girl that gave her a little more steel to face it all.

When her students are called by name, Lexa stands and robes them, grinning ear to ear and whispering congratulations as she hugs them tightly. She’s so so proud of all of them and can’t wait to see what they do next.

The rest of the ceremony goes by quickly and Lexa finds herself mingling. She smiles graciously and accepts thanks from her students and their families and offers hearty congratulations in return. It’s almost intoxicating, the joy radiating from everyone and it’s a far cry from the undergrad graduation she remembers years ago.

But not everything is different, Lexa realizes as she turns to catch sight of a familiar figure.

She’s here.

She’s as radiant as she always was.

And her blonde hair dances lightly in the breeze and Lexa’s heart is threatening to escape its cavity.

Wobbly legs lead her to her beautiful girl, and Lexa swallows as she reaches her.

Her expression is uncertain but her eyes bore into Lexa’s and Lexa finds she can’t look away.

“Nice outfit.” Clarke remarks.

And her voice.

Oh her voice.

It’s the same in its husk and Lexa has never mourned the destruction of the library of Alexandria but now she wishes that she could learn all of its secrets but only if the books were read to her by this girl.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” She manages to respond.

“I saw you do the robe thing. You kinda struggled with the first girl, it was cute.”

“She’s six foot five.”

“You didn’t practice?”

“Clarke, what are you doing here?” Lexa asks exasperated. 

Clarke nods quietly for a moment accepting that the small talk is over and takes a deep breath. “Neutral ground.” She states before she winces, “Or..more neutral than your apartment.”

Lexa looks away finally and she watches the jovial crowd quietly.

“Do you remember..”

“Yes, Clarke. I remember.”

“Lexa…” And Lexa shivers at her name and the way Clarke says it and she can’t bear it any more.

“It’s been over a year.”

“I know.”

“Did you? Are you? Are you okay?” Lexa asks as she watches her through her periphery.

Clarke seems startled and she hesitates for a long moment, “I’m fine, Lexa. Thank you for asking.”

“I waited.”

“I know.”

“You don’t.”

“Sorry.”

“Just..don’t be. Just tell me what took you so long?”

“I..this and that, you know.”

“This and that?” Lexa asks incredulously.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to be here? Or is this your way of letting me down easy way too late.”

“I..I shouldn’t have come.”

Lexa rubs at her temple to ward off the oncoming headache. “I don’t know, Clarke.”

“I don’t know either.”

“So..what?” Lexa asks. Her heart feels heavy and her stomach empty and she's entirely unsure about what's next.

“Can we walk?”

“Sure.” Lexa finds herself saying.

It’s against her better judgement.

She knows that she’ll think about this far too much over the years.

But she knows she’ll think about it more if she says no.

So she plunges into the unknown and wonders how this girl has always had a way of making her do that.

They walk silently to Lexa’s office and she takes off her robes and puts them away as Clarke looks over the papers on her desk and the books on her shelf.

Lexa points out her classroom as they walk by it and Clarke insists on stopping by and sitting in one of the seats.

As Lexa watches her look around, she’s struck by the year and change old memory of a man with sandy hair and blue eyes.

“You know, your dad...” Clarke snaps her head to Lexa. “This was where I met him.”

“He told me.” She says after a long silence. Lexa hums lightly in response. “He said you were charming.” Clarke adds.

“He lied.”

Clarke laughs for a moment before suddenly stops and frowns.

And Lexa’s heart constricts at the sudden change.

“Let’s go.”

“Okay.” Lexa agrees.

They walk aimlessly around the campus exchanging few words and find their way out of the gates and into the city streets.

Lexa is calm.

She knows the drill now.

There’ll be a sad goodbye.

She’ll think about it far too much.

But this time, there won’t be any hope.

She can see it in the set of Clarke’s shoulders.

She can hear it in the bleak silence.

And she can feel it in the way her energy is drained.

Clarke stops suddenly and turns to Lexa.

And Lexa waits for the blow.

Any minute now.

“This is me.” Clarke says as she tilts her neck towards a brownstone door.

And Clarke’s shoulders are high with tension.

And the silence between them is charged.

And Lexa is suddenly more awake than ever. 

“You live here?” She gets out.

Clarke nods cautiously, “Do you want to come up?”

And Lexa is diving like she always does when it comes to Clarke.

“Yes.”

 

 

_It’s a week into staying in Reykjavik with her father and Clarke is happy._

_She’s missed him._

_And his excitement when he comes home from work, shows how much he missed her._

_They laugh and they drink and they trade stories._

_And he ruffles her hair when she tells him about her plan with Lexa. “Get your girl kiddo.” He laughs with a wink._

_They don’t bring up why Clarke stopped visiting._

_They don’t bring up how she stopped answering his calls._

_But they do lightly touch on what changed her mind._

_And Jake jokes and gives his fatherly approval._

_It’s easy and it’s right._

_But nothing is ever that simple._

_And Clarke takes this message to heart when he tells her that he’s sick._

_She stays up all night researching and calls every doctor she knows but her mother._

_It isn’t until Jake lays his hand on hers and tells her that he’d already been to see Abby and they’d tried everything, that Clarke realizes how selfish she’s been._

_She’d been so busy shunning both her parents, that she’d been oblivious to the united front they had put up._

_Despite Jake’s protests, she calls her job and tells them to stop waiting._

_They’re understanding._

_Far more understanding than she expects._

_She applies for and obtains a residence permit and she stays._

_She stays with him as he grows weaker and weaker._

_To the untrained eye, he would appear the same. Jovial and full of energy._

_But Clarke can see that his smile isn’t as bright._

_She can see that he doesn’t laugh as much. And she can see that he doesn’t bounce off the walls with the lack of restraint that she’s accustomed to._

_He’s half the man he was but twice the man most are and so for everyone else it’s sudden._

_But it’s still fast._

_Too fast for her._

_She wants to talk to someone._

_She wants to talk to her._

_She thinks about her too often._

_And when she does, it's the closest she comes to breaking._

_So she doesn't try to find her._

_But then he’s gone and Clarke can’t sleep._

_She accepts the condolences from his colleagues in Iceland and she learns how in a couple of months his research was not only impressive but essential to their cause._

_When everything is said, she accompanies his coffin back to the states. A handful of family and friends are there to see it to the ground. And it’s there that she finally speaks to her mother._

_And it’s there that she finally cries._

_She stays a few months with her mother._

_She owes her that much._

_It’s slow progress at first._

_A few words here and there._

_But it progresses to sentences and full conversations and suddenly Clarke is sad at the prospect of leaving._

_But she has a new life to start._

_And if her father has taught her anything, it’s that she shouldn’t hesitate._

_The move is quick._

_Her friends have already packed up most of her things for her. They’ve even taken it upon themselves to hunt down apartments for her and all Clarke has to do when she gets back to Denver is pick a place and sign the lease online._

_With the U-Haul loaded and a place to go, all that’s left is the goodbyes._

_They’re tearful and wonderful and promises are made on both sides to visit._

_Raven threatens to visit in the first week and as Clarke is distracted in protesting the idea, she slips business cards for potential employers into Clarke’s pocket._

_Octavia’s grip is firm as she shakes Clarke’s hand and even tighter as she pulls her in for a hug._

_With a head full of swirling thoughts and one last wave goodbye, Clarke gets in the truck drives to her new home._

 

 

“So this is me.” Clarke says as she opens the door.

“Nice place.” Lexa says before she shuts the door and pushes Clarke against it.

The next thing Clarke processes is Lexa’s hot insistent mouth against hers.

Her heart stutters for a moment before catching up and beginning to sprint.

Clarke’s hands come up to clutch at Lexa’s dress and pull her closer.

It’s not close enough and Lexa seems to sense it with the way she clutches at Clarke’s arms.

In her haze, Clarke feels Lexa’s bare thigh slot between her own denim clad thighs and her desperation increases tenfold.

Clarke drags her hands down Lexa’s waist and settles them on Lexa’s hips, encouraging their movement.

Lexa’s hands leave Clarke’s arms and dig into her hair angling Clarke to kiss her even more deeply.

Clarke can’t help but moan into it and suddenly everything is different.

Lexa is slower.

More gentle.

More reverent.

And they kiss sweetly for a few more moments before Lexa’s lips leave hers.

She feels Lexa’s forehead against hers and the stuttered breath she lets out before all contact and warmth is gone.

Her eyes open to the sight of Lexa storming further in to the apartment shaking her head as she walks. “I can’t, Clarke. I just can’t do this again if you’re going to..” She trails off as she turns and Clarke’s heart breaks as she sees the tears trailing down Lexa’s pink cheeks.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” She immediately responds.

She wants to walk over and hold Lexa’s cheeks and look her in the eye and convince her but she realizes it’s not her place.

Not yet.

“Talk to me.” Lexa gasps out.

“I am talking.” Clarke shakes her head, still pressed up against the door where Lexa left her.

“Did you not..?” Lexa starts before she shakes her head and lets out a frustrated huff.

Clarke’s feet move slowly on their own accord as she responds to Lexa’s half articulated question, “Did I not what? Care? Miss you? God, Lex..everyday. Just..everyday.”

“What happened?”

“I..” Clarke hesitates as tears of her own start to fall.

“Please talk to me.”

Clarke shudders a breath at her broken voice but ultimately it’s the way that Lexa wraps her arms around herself, guarded, that loosens her tongue.

“I..my dad. He uumm..he was sick. He died.”

“Clarke..”

“I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to be there for him and it wasn’t enough..”

“I’m sure he thought it was enough.” Lexa says softly and Clarke startles as she realizes that she is standing directly in front of her.

“Not enough to save him.” Clarke whispers.

And Lexa’s response is a quiet breath before she gently nods towards the couch.

Clarke lets herself be led, Lexa’s hand gently nudging on the small of her back while its partner softly grips Clarke’s arm. There’s a strange familiarity as Lexa leads the way to the couch and gently helps her down before sitting, herself, half-turned towards Clarke with a reassuring hand on Clarke’s thigh.

“Clarke I can’t imagine what..” She trails with a squeeze of her thigh.

Clarke can’t bear to look at her for fear that she will start to sob in earnest.

They sit quietly for minutes before Clarke breaks the silence. “Several months with him until..and then I went to see my mom for a few months. And then here.”

“How long?”

“A month.” Lexa pulls her hand back gently and Clarke aches. “I didn’t think..” Clarke looks up finally and meets Lexa’s eyes. They’re discerning and shaped by the sad frown on her face. “It had been so long and I was scared that I was too late.” Lexa nods contemplatively. “I wanted to call you..earlier..so much earlier.. but I didn’t have..but I could have..” Clarke suddenly starts to ramble angry at herself, “I could have asked Thelonius for your number or something and..but I couldn’t..I just couldn’t talk to you. I wanted you to just be happy and I..I didn’t  think I could be strong the way I needed to be if I talked to you..cause you’re just…you.”

Lexa shudders and nods. “I understand.” She says softly.

And really what else did Clarke expect from someone so good.

So pure.

And then.

“I didn’t think you would come back. I thought about you so much...I think about you so much. And I didn't understand. I just wanted you to be happy. But I also..You're you, you know and..I didn't think you would come back.” Lexa stutters out breathing laboured.

Clarke shakes her head at Lexa's words suddenly unable to bear the thought of never seeing her. “Hey. Hey. I was always coming.” She insists hurriedly, “I’ll always come for you.”

With the raise of Lexa’s eyebrow, the cloud over them dissipates and Clarke hurries to defend her words too late when Lexa breaks in, “I’m that good huh?” She asks wiggling her brow.

“Alright alright.” Clarke grumbles good naturedly.

They grin at each other, cheeks flushed, for seconds.

Minutes maybe, before Lexa looks down.

Clarke watches her wring her hands but is quiet as she allows her to find her words.

“So what now?”

“Probably a whole lot of talking.”

“And then?”

“A whole lot of touching.”

“Clarke!”

“Hey! I’m being seri..” Clarke stops mid-word interrupted by the ding of her phone. She glances at it quickly before releasing a series of swear words. “It’s my boss. I should get back to the office. I only took the morning off.”

“You’re working?” Lexa asks, surprised.

“As of this Monday!” Clarke confirms cheerily.

“Clarke!”

“What!”

“You took off work in your first week!”

“Well, yeah.” Clarke shrugs nonchalantly, “Are you disappointed in me?”

“Not at all.” Lexa admits with a grin. She shakes her head looking confounded by the whole situation, “So you have to leave now?”

“Yes.” Clarke confirms fully aware of the irony. “But you can walk me. Come on.” She chuckles pulling Lexa off the couch.

She drags her out of the apartment and down the street grinning from ear to ear.

The two push each other and tease each other as they walk both not quite sure the moment is real.

The walk is entirely too short and they arrive at an imposing glass skinned building with their hands intertwined.

“You’re going on a date with me tonight.” Lexa says firmly.

“Not too soon?” Clarke teases.

“With our track record? Not at all. I can’t risk not seeing you immediately.” Lexa shrugs earnestly as she responds.

“Me either.” Clarke responds suddenly serious and clutching at Lexa’s dress.

“Give me your number.” Lexa demands.

“Romantic.” Clarke chuckles before accepting Lexa’s phone while handing over her own and texting a simple ‘Hi Clarke.’ to her own number. “Okay.” She says as she returns Lexa’s and accepts her own phone seeing the ‘Hello Lexa.’ sent from her phone.  

“Hey.” Clarke says serious again as she pulls Lexa closer, “I was so proud watching you robe those kids. I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait for tonight and what comes after.”

Lexa leans her forehead against Clarke with a deep breath, “It’ll probably be me. Coming..I mean.” 

There is a moment of silence where Clarke pulls back, face full of surprise before she shakes her head.

And they laugh.

Together.

Loud and happy.

But time makes itself known with another ding of her phone and Clarke presses a soft kiss to Lexa’s cheek and another to her lips.

And she pulls away walking backwards.

And Lexa watches her.

And they smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me a comment and let me know what you think then come bug me on [tumblr](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/) if you feel like it!


End file.
